I don’t have to work at the theater OR my internship today.
I have no idea what to do with myself.
I just read a quote (and of course clicked away from it before I could really decipher what it was saying and can’t find it again…) that was roughly: “No one falls in love by choice, it’s by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it’s by work. No one falls out of love by chance, it’s choice.” And I believe the first two parts, of course, but I’m not sure I can agree with the last. I mean, yes, definitely, you have to work to continue feeling for someone, but at the same time, I do believe you can wake up one morning and be rubbed the wrong way by someone - a lover, a friend, a musician, a piece of clothing, whatever - and realize that, well, maybe you weren’t in love with someone or something like you thought, or you are growing and they are not or you realize maybe they’re like a poison and to keep loving them is only hurting you and your life. And once realizing this, yes, you have a choice to stay and fight or leave, but the root of the fleeting feeling in the pit of your stomach, it’s more organic and awful than choosing to say “I just don’t love you anymore”. Sometimes you can’t help it because you want to continue loving. But you can’t because this just happened. And torturing yourself with what to do next is so much bigger than choosing to walk away from someone or something you once felt completely devoted to because that thing, that person is left surprised most of the time and to hurt them is harder than the issue at hand, but you can’t string them along just because you don’t get why you’re feeling the way you are. You’re just feeling. And feelings are what keep anything alive. It’s a horrible cycle of messy emotions and it sucks. So if you simply can’t keep this alive…then what are you doing?